Little Victory

Something pretty wonderful has happened today. I didn't think much of it at first, and in general it's not really a big deal, but as I'm laying in my bed in my little safe haven of Etta Street, I'm counting it as a little victory.

Since I got back from a trip to Los Angeles little more than 7 weeks ago, freelance work has been really great. I've gone from making up beautiful models for a lingerie campaign, to creating black eyes and bruises for a music video, transforming a band and cast into 1980's characters of a gameshow to perfecting 1950's vintage flicks for a food blogger shoot. I could go on and on!

Everyday is different in this career, and that's one of my favourite things about being freelance. Every shoot is a new experience with new people to meet and new opportunity to arise. Only yesterday I were in fits of laughter with a fitness blogger whilst trying to apply her lipstick. I probably won't ever see her again, but every single shoot creates a new memory. It's always wonderful to be surrounded by passionate people too.

After receiving payment for a couple of shoots I had worked on over the previous month, I immediately logged onto my online banking and paid off my overdraft. This is an overdraft I've had since starting university, when I was a little less concerned with budgeting! Since graduating, the bank switched my student account to a graduate account so the free overdraft became valid for a further three years. I guess I just got used to living in it. It was never really a concern. Today I finally paid that off. All of it. Every last penny.

Over the following month I'll receive enough money to pay off the small amount that's on my credit card, and be able to start saving for a planned adventure to New York over the summer next year. That's right, actual savings whilst living in London! I have this sense of freedom now. No ties to anything, I could pack up and leave at any moment if I wanted to, or I could save for my own property if that was my jam.

There is no greater feeling that earning your own way through life. I cannot stress that enough. I've had a job ever since I was fourteen, granted some less glamorous than others. Being debt-free (apart from that big old student loan - but that doesn't count) makes me feel like I'm one step closer to being great at that whole adult thing I've been trying my hand at lately. What's most rewarding (and possibly the cheesiest thing I'll say today) is that I was able to do it by doing what I love.

Gemma
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Pessimistically Positive

I would describe myself as an optimist. I'm about those posi-vibes. I'll look for the good in everyone, and in general, I'm all for the whole 'seize the day' lifestyle. That said, I feel this attitude hasn't been acquired through having my successes handed on a plate. It hasn't been because of a plain-sailing easy life. It hasn't been the result of pain-free relationships/friendships. It's developed from having to work twice as hard than usual, from experiencing not wanting to get out of bed for two weeks straight, and from being let down a lot. 

Don't get me wrong, I've had life pretty good, but I've been through my fair share of shit growing up, some of which I wouldn't wish on anyone. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that ignorance to hardship isn't what makes me an optimist, it's that very knowledge of pain that somehow pushes me towards positivity. 


It's waking up every morning and deciding that today is going to be a good day and fighting against those thought processes that make you think otherwise. I'm an over thinker, messy with my thoughts. I'm always in awe at people that seem so collected with their own. 


Over time I've come to learn that being busy keeps me pumped. Being productive is extremely rewarding to me, if I get stuck not doing anything I don't really know what to do with myself, and that stupid annoying pessimistic part of my brain shows up uninvited. 


Recently, I've felt a strong urge for change. My creative streak has been surging and almost all at once I realised I needed something new, a challenge. Something I could do for myself and not involved with work. I'd already started this very blog, which has motivated me to do more of the things I enjoy creatively for fun. Within the next couple of days I had booked guitar lessons and borrowed my housemates 35mm film camera to play around with.
 

I've been meaning to learn guitar for so long, my acoustic tucked away in the basement the whole time I've been living in London, plus I've always been into photography. I just want to learn constantly. I want to be involved in as much creativity as possible, because it's what sets you free. 

I get an idea in my head and that's it. When I decide I want to do something you bet your ass I'm going to go out and give it my best shot. A friend once told me he admired that about me, that I was fearless. I do have doubts about things, possibly more than regular, but it's that doubt that pushes me to go out and try stuff. It's the unknown that gives me that adrenaline. Maybe I'll blow it, maybe I won't. It doesn't really matter. 


Keep finding new ways to be inspired, to find motivation and become a better version of yourself. Get out of your head and look around.



Gemma
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The Opposite Of Nostalgia

Thursday 5th, 4:35pm. I'm sat in a soothingly quiet Starbucks, sipping on a soya latte through a straw and yes, I may look a little stupid for it, but it stops my red lipstick from smudging all over my chin and prevents me from resembling the clown from Stephen King's 'IT'.

I have been filming in South Kensington throughout the day. Delighted by an early finish, and with a little spare time on my hands, I decided to hop on the tube for a few stops to East Putney. It's been a while since I've been in this area of London. My sister used to live here, and kindly let me stay with her in her then tiny one-bedroom flat for a couple of weeks last year when I first moved up to London, frantically flat hunting by day whilst working at an exclusive circus-themed nightclub called 'Cirque Le Soir' by night. This is a place where your entry/admission is decided almost solely on how pretty you are. It lasted roughly six weeks, and in my time there I couldn't have felt more out of place. It was all very false. 

Being back in the place where it all started brings an overwhelmingly sense of realisation, an appreciation for how everything eventually managed to piece itself together and most wonderfully how drastically I feel I have changed as a person. I took a stroll past my sister's old place and felt a rippling wave of emotion. The best way I can describe it is like when you hear a song that you haven't heard in years but it brings back the exact feelings you felt at the time of when you used to listen to it. It made me reflect and perhaps more crucially, it ignited an incredible sense of gratitude for my present life. I did it. I survived it. So what changed? How has this city shaped me? A place that was once so alien and now my sanctuary. It certainly didn't happen overnight.

 

The people I have met are a big part of it. I'm far from being described as a shy person, my job entails a lot of talking and networking so I'm good at meeting new people and it generally comes with ease. On a personal level however, I'm a secret introvert if there even is such a thing. I enjoy my own company and I tend to keep to myself. Living in London has opened me up to friendships with like-minded ambitious creative people. We're all just trying to make it, make something of ourselves whilst defying the norms of a 9-5 desk job wherever we can.

One thing I've really embraced is to have an open heart. I'll befriend almost anyone, show them kindness and if it's not returned to mentally wish them well and distance myself. I tend to have a good first sense of judgement with people. Surrounding myself with good, genuine people is so crucial for me. People let you down a lot in life so it's good to have a strong sense of who's gonna stick around for you.

My whole diet has changed over the past year and four months that I have lived here. I have transitioned from meat eater to pescatarian, to vegetarian to more recently vegan. I've always been a bit funny about food. I'd either eat all of it or barely any. I'd load my freezer with low calorie ready meals with no idea about nutrition or how to look after my body. I thought that was healthy! Making the decision to become vegetarian/vegan has opened me up to this whole new world of cooking, and trying new foods. I eat more now than ever but it's all in moderation and I feel like I'm in better shape for it. Mentally too. I'm lucky that there are a lot of good veggie/vegan places around the city to eat out at also!

It would be nice to say that London has brought me love, however it's mostly just rekindled an old relationship for me to realise you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I don't regret a thing, and if it wasn't for living here perhaps it would have been harder to move on so quickly. That, or the fact that at 24 years of age you really shouldn't be having to deal with a breakup via text message. I did meet someone however that I grew very fond of (and in some way I still am), but it seemed completely illogical. I've never been good at being realistic in that sense though. It was lovely whilst it lasted anyway. These sort of experiences teach you to accept loss/rejection and 'just do you'. There's an awful lot of beauty in this city to take your mind off of things. I'm not really the dating type and it really takes a lot for me to be into someone. It'll happen when it happens and until then I'm content with focusing on myself. 

I think the biggest change of all is gaining self - acceptance. I used to put way too much pressure on myself, worry about what others thought and be way too much of a people pleaser. It's in my nature to want to make people happy. It's a good quality until I let it compromise my own happiness. 

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" 

There's a fancy quote I've thrown in for added measure,  just incase this post isn't deep enough for you. 

Gemma 

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