Mind Over Matter

I'm sat back in the familiar surroundings of my bedroom in London, cuppa at hand and a mass of clothes and bags strewn across my floor. I'm not great at unpacking. In fact, in the corner of my room there is a dusty suitcase still clutching onto the last few bits and pieces from my trip to Los Angeles back in JUNE, so "not great" is actually an understatement and "fucking terrible" would probably be more fitting.

If you read my last post, you'll know I took a little break to visit family last week, after feeling a bit overwhelmed by life, although I'm quite unsure as to whether I was overwhelmed or underwhelmed. Either way, after four months of being apart from my family, I knew it would do me some good to catch up and relax.

It is the strangest feeling coming home. Each time I get off the train and into my parents car, to drive through my hometown to the house I grew up in all my life,  it feels more and more peculiar. Everything is the same. I can explain to you where every road leads to and tell you who works where and how long it will take to get from A - B. I can tell you all about the familiarity. It's a little soothing, you know, like home comforts. But I can also tell you all about how my stomach feels like it is doing a thousand backflips at the same time. This is the norm. Each time I come home, I feel a little more alien, continuously and rapidly changing whilst my hometown stays the same.

I spent the week catching up with good friends, laughing, road tripping and just being. I played guitar, shamelessly danced drunkenly to fifties swing music, had a heart to heart with a girlfriend at 3 in the morning trying to figure it all out. Those are my favourite type of conversations. I will take an hour long deep vulnerable conversation over a week of small talk any day. When you've had a little too much to drink and it all comes out and that other person really fucking gets it.  Those moments are golden.

Perhaps my point here is that you have every right to feel not okay sometimes, even when you feel like there isn't anything to make you feel that way. We are all just human, you know? You just have to make damn sure it doesn't get the best of you.

On my return to London I ended up being booked for several shoots over the next few weeks including a modelling job (yikes - it's been a while!) and a 3 day job in Greece! I am so pleased that I am traveling more with my career and it seems that these things always fall more so into place when I'm feeling doubtful. My painstakingly positive mental attitude and attention to mindfulness is key. It's good to be back, London, show me your best.

The Not So Great Escape

Standing at London Bridge station, with my backpack filled with little more than my diary, notepad, wallet and a few hair grips rustling around at the bottom, I wanted out. The anxiety in my chest rippling up to the back of my throat. I stand so still and close my eyes whilst the workers and the commuters flit around me, they know where they are going, which is more than I can say for myself.

"Go home" I tell myself. "Just go home girl."

I am not a good decision maker. I mostly try to go with my gut on a lot of things. I knew what I wanted to do, but I worry a lot. My decision was a slight cop out, whichever tube arrived first would determine my route. Northbound taking me to Waterloo and inevitability to my hometown in Somerset, southbound taking me back to my own place  in South East London. At least that way I can call it fate, right? 

I stood there with my eyes still closed and wondered how I had let myself get so caught up. Striving for peace of mind is a funny thing. I try too hard with it all. I throw myself into work, into learning new things, into socialising. Keep busy, don't let life pass you by and all that. I want to be open to every single opportunity humanly possible. I want to inspire people an awful lot. But all I can do is be who I am, and I am always striving to be a better me. 

It is this enormous unnecessary pressure that I have bestowed upon myself that gets the best of me, and suddenly a getaway sounds more and more appealing, to become a renegade in my absence. My heart fell a little when the southbound tube came screeching in to a halt, but it had won, and so true to my word back to Etta street I went. London had me still for a little while. 

I met my sister the next day, we went to the Tate Modern in the heart of London, and sat ourselves down on the floor in an empty corner. We weren't here to take in the art, we didn't come to be tourists. We sat in our empty space and talked, talked until it felt okay again. Sometimes when you exhaust yourself with overthinking, you don't leave any energy to do it anymore, and you end up with a somewhat relieving feeling of nothingness. Numb. You just let yourself be. That's the point when you can pick yourself up and say "fuck this". 

I knew what I needed. With my new found clarity, it was time to make time for myself. My train is booked this time. I'm coming home.

Little Victory

Something pretty wonderful has happened today. I didn't think much of it at first, and in general it's not really a big deal, but as I'm laying in my bed in my little safe haven of Etta Street, I'm counting it as a little victory.

Since I got back from a trip to Los Angeles little more than 7 weeks ago, freelance work has been really great. I've gone from making up beautiful models for a lingerie campaign, to creating black eyes and bruises for a music video, transforming a band and cast into 1980's characters of a gameshow to perfecting 1950's vintage flicks for a food blogger shoot. I could go on and on!

Everyday is different in this career, and that's one of my favourite things about being freelance. Every shoot is a new experience with new people to meet and new opportunity to arise. Only yesterday I were in fits of laughter with a fitness blogger whilst trying to apply her lipstick. I probably won't ever see her again, but every single shoot creates a new memory. It's always wonderful to be surrounded by passionate people too.

After receiving payment for a couple of shoots I had worked on over the previous month, I immediately logged onto my online banking and paid off my overdraft. This is an overdraft I've had since starting university, when I was a little less concerned with budgeting! Since graduating, the bank switched my student account to a graduate account so the free overdraft became valid for a further three years. I guess I just got used to living in it. It was never really a concern. Today I finally paid that off. All of it. Every last penny.

Over the following month I'll receive enough money to pay off the small amount that's on my credit card, and be able to start saving for a planned adventure to New York over the summer next year. That's right, actual savings whilst living in London! I have this sense of freedom now. No ties to anything, I could pack up and leave at any moment if I wanted to, or I could save for my own property if that was my jam.

There is no greater feeling that earning your own way through life. I cannot stress that enough. I've had a job ever since I was fourteen, granted some less glamorous than others. Being debt-free (apart from that big old student loan - but that doesn't count) makes me feel like I'm one step closer to being great at that whole adult thing I've been trying my hand at lately. What's most rewarding (and possibly the cheesiest thing I'll say today) is that I was able to do it by doing what I love.

Gemma
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Pessimistically Positive

I would describe myself as an optimist. I'm about those posi-vibes. I'll look for the good in everyone, and in general, I'm all for the whole 'seize the day' lifestyle. That said, I feel this attitude hasn't been acquired through having my successes handed on a plate. It hasn't been because of a plain-sailing easy life. It hasn't been the result of pain-free relationships/friendships. It's developed from having to work twice as hard than usual, from experiencing not wanting to get out of bed for two weeks straight, and from being let down a lot. 

Don't get me wrong, I've had life pretty good, but I've been through my fair share of shit growing up, some of which I wouldn't wish on anyone. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that ignorance to hardship isn't what makes me an optimist, it's that very knowledge of pain that somehow pushes me towards positivity. 


It's waking up every morning and deciding that today is going to be a good day and fighting against those thought processes that make you think otherwise. I'm an over thinker, messy with my thoughts. I'm always in awe at people that seem so collected with their own. 


Over time I've come to learn that being busy keeps me pumped. Being productive is extremely rewarding to me, if I get stuck not doing anything I don't really know what to do with myself, and that stupid annoying pessimistic part of my brain shows up uninvited. 


Recently, I've felt a strong urge for change. My creative streak has been surging and almost all at once I realised I needed something new, a challenge. Something I could do for myself and not involved with work. I'd already started this very blog, which has motivated me to do more of the things I enjoy creatively for fun. Within the next couple of days I had booked guitar lessons and borrowed my housemates 35mm film camera to play around with.
 

I've been meaning to learn guitar for so long, my acoustic tucked away in the basement the whole time I've been living in London, plus I've always been into photography. I just want to learn constantly. I want to be involved in as much creativity as possible, because it's what sets you free. 

I get an idea in my head and that's it. When I decide I want to do something you bet your ass I'm going to go out and give it my best shot. A friend once told me he admired that about me, that I was fearless. I do have doubts about things, possibly more than regular, but it's that doubt that pushes me to go out and try stuff. It's the unknown that gives me that adrenaline. Maybe I'll blow it, maybe I won't. It doesn't really matter. 


Keep finding new ways to be inspired, to find motivation and become a better version of yourself. Get out of your head and look around.



Gemma
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The Opposite Of Nostalgia

Thursday 5th, 4:35pm. I'm sat in a soothingly quiet Starbucks, sipping on a soya latte through a straw and yes, I may look a little stupid for it, but it stops my red lipstick from smudging all over my chin and prevents me from resembling the clown from Stephen King's 'IT'.

I have been filming in South Kensington throughout the day. Delighted by an early finish, and with a little spare time on my hands, I decided to hop on the tube for a few stops to East Putney. It's been a while since I've been in this area of London. My sister used to live here, and kindly let me stay with her in her then tiny one-bedroom flat for a couple of weeks last year when I first moved up to London, frantically flat hunting by day whilst working at an exclusive circus-themed nightclub called 'Cirque Le Soir' by night. This is a place where your entry/admission is decided almost solely on how pretty you are. It lasted roughly six weeks, and in my time there I couldn't have felt more out of place. It was all very false. 

Being back in the place where it all started brings an overwhelmingly sense of realisation, an appreciation for how everything eventually managed to piece itself together and most wonderfully how drastically I feel I have changed as a person. I took a stroll past my sister's old place and felt a rippling wave of emotion. The best way I can describe it is like when you hear a song that you haven't heard in years but it brings back the exact feelings you felt at the time of when you used to listen to it. It made me reflect and perhaps more crucially, it ignited an incredible sense of gratitude for my present life. I did it. I survived it. So what changed? How has this city shaped me? A place that was once so alien and now my sanctuary. It certainly didn't happen overnight.

 

The people I have met are a big part of it. I'm far from being described as a shy person, my job entails a lot of talking and networking so I'm good at meeting new people and it generally comes with ease. On a personal level however, I'm a secret introvert if there even is such a thing. I enjoy my own company and I tend to keep to myself. Living in London has opened me up to friendships with like-minded ambitious creative people. We're all just trying to make it, make something of ourselves whilst defying the norms of a 9-5 desk job wherever we can.

One thing I've really embraced is to have an open heart. I'll befriend almost anyone, show them kindness and if it's not returned to mentally wish them well and distance myself. I tend to have a good first sense of judgement with people. Surrounding myself with good, genuine people is so crucial for me. People let you down a lot in life so it's good to have a strong sense of who's gonna stick around for you.

My whole diet has changed over the past year and four months that I have lived here. I have transitioned from meat eater to pescatarian, to vegetarian to more recently vegan. I've always been a bit funny about food. I'd either eat all of it or barely any. I'd load my freezer with low calorie ready meals with no idea about nutrition or how to look after my body. I thought that was healthy! Making the decision to become vegetarian/vegan has opened me up to this whole new world of cooking, and trying new foods. I eat more now than ever but it's all in moderation and I feel like I'm in better shape for it. Mentally too. I'm lucky that there are a lot of good veggie/vegan places around the city to eat out at also!

It would be nice to say that London has brought me love, however it's mostly just rekindled an old relationship for me to realise you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I don't regret a thing, and if it wasn't for living here perhaps it would have been harder to move on so quickly. That, or the fact that at 24 years of age you really shouldn't be having to deal with a breakup via text message. I did meet someone however that I grew very fond of (and in some way I still am), but it seemed completely illogical. I've never been good at being realistic in that sense though. It was lovely whilst it lasted anyway. These sort of experiences teach you to accept loss/rejection and 'just do you'. There's an awful lot of beauty in this city to take your mind off of things. I'm not really the dating type and it really takes a lot for me to be into someone. It'll happen when it happens and until then I'm content with focusing on myself. 

I think the biggest change of all is gaining self - acceptance. I used to put way too much pressure on myself, worry about what others thought and be way too much of a people pleaser. It's in my nature to want to make people happy. It's a good quality until I let it compromise my own happiness. 

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" 

There's a fancy quote I've thrown in for added measure,  just incase this post isn't deep enough for you. 

Gemma 

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A Twenty-Something Creative

Hi!

I guess I ought to get an introduction of myself up and out of the way. I'm Gemma, A 24 year old girl who escaped the countryside of her small hometown in Somerset, England to flee to London to embrace a life of excitement, travel and adulthood. I am your typical twenty something girl that has the world at her feet but is absolutely terrified of what to do with it and spends an awful lot of time worrying about anything and everything. I'm at the age where I'm trying to figure it all out, and it's hard, man. 

I am a freelance hair and make-up artist working mostly on music videos and commercials. I love it. If you told me 5 years ago that I'd be doing this now, I'd have never have believed you. I've always been extremely ambitious and driven when it comes to my career. Working in the film industry has opened so many doors and introduced me to some wonderful friends. That said, I will not be using this blog to tell you about a new lipstick or mascara I just had to buy.

No, although perhaps I would like to incorporate my work into this blog at times, it is not going to be your typical beauty blog. In fact I don't think it will be remotely anything like that. I want to use this space as an outlet to share with you guys what it's like to be in your 20's living in a beautiful city that I feel incredibly lucky to live in, and how I'm trying to make sense of it all. 

I feel like we put so much pressure on ourselves in our twenties. You finish studying, you move out and all of a sudden it's like 'oh all those years I spent in education and stuff, well now I have to go and do something about it'. It's like you're pushed in at the deep end and now all of a sudden you have to go out into the world and prove that it wasn't all a waste of time. 

My problem was I wanted it to all fall into place at once. I moved to London 16 months ago with high hopes and eagerness. What I realised within the first six months was that I was actually pretty lonely and stressed out. I couldn't see it at the time, but now I look back and can see how hard it was for me to adjust. I put so much pressure on myself to 'make it' as a freelancer and felt like it wasn't happening quick enough, or happening at all. But the thing is, and I cannot stress this enough, things have a way of falling into place. Over time I settled in and made a good strong collection of friends, and one job would always lead to the next. You just have to let things happen gradually. 

Another thing about being in your twenties as well as a creative; everyone lies about how well they are doing. Well, it's not really lying exactly. But I guarantee you ask someone how work is going they will never say 'really awful, I'm living off of 20p tins of Tesco everyday value spaghetti at the moment'.  (Which for the record despite how cheap they are - I maintain that they are the BEST.)  No one wants to be seen as 'failing'. It goes back to what I was saying about feeling like you have to prove yourself. But we don't have to. It's only ourselves that feel like we do. I would rather be broke and poor and still be doing what I love even if it means working a 'normal' job to pay the bills. Do what you love because you love doing it. 

Now, as much as I've spewed word vomit about my career, it's not the be all and end all of my happiness. I used to think it was, that if I was successful and worked hard then I would find contentment. In a way it's true, it is a lovely feeling to see how far I have come over the past two years and it seems to only be getting better as time goes on, but I've realised there's something missing. I've felt a void for the past few months and I was at first unable to put my finger on what exactly it was that was missing. Then I realised it was more of case of what was I missing out on. I'd built this career from 20 and suddenly I'm 24 and realising none of it really matters. I've become unfulfilled with settling and I'm looking for adventure. I'm aware these years are supposed to be some of the best years of my life and I want to see as much and experience as much as possible. 

I think a lot of people can relate to some of this stuff, and I guess I want to use this blog as a way to vent and share with you my outlook on the world. I've learned more about myself than ever over the past 16 months, and I've found a lot of beauty in my surroundings that I take for granted.

So until next time...

Gemma 

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