He doesn't call me baby like the others did.
He doesn't tell me he's obsessed with me, confessed he can't quite digest the intimacy that's left in me, too easily.
His compliments come few and far between, so used to being adored and self assured but I can't work out if he says what he means, not sure if he's keen.
When I'm with him I can see a difference, a softer side so I forget his previous ignorance all over again, thinking I'm overthinking again, I say Gemma don't ruin a good thing whilst you've got it again.
He just doesn't work the same as me but in turn I feel my self esteem is slowly starting to rip at the seams.
He won't talk to me when he's out with his friends he says he's too busy being social yet I see him posting all over his socials, but I hold my tongue though, don't want to ruin the fun so, I let the sadness manifest in me, trying to play it cool but in turn I end up feeling resentful.
He only sees his own pain but he's not the only one with shit in his head, there's a past in my mind too that I'm still trying to put to bed.
We talk about him but he doesn't know me, so much of me I want to show him you see, but when I'm upset he's defensive, doesn't know how to comfort me so my feelings are dispensed of.
We're all fighting our own demons, the only difference is I cared more about making him feel better regardless of what was happening to me but I can't make him see that, don't expect him to feel that and now it's not something we can work out.
If this is how love is supposed to feel I don't want it, can't seem to find reciprocation in anyone I'm better off without it, stronger alone, this is all I've ever known, all I've ever been shown.
Finding love makes me miserable am I the only one in this? I'm obsessed with the idea of it, romanticising the pain in it, find myself trying to settle for a second rate version of it.
I'm in love with the idea of love but the reality is deceitful, I just want to feel equal but I'm almost certain now that it doesn't exist. And amidst all of this I still persist but for now I must confess there's little room in me left for this unrequited mess.
